The Game Parody (unpublished)

Harvard’s New Regulations for The Game 2006

The tailgate space allowed each group will be limited to correspond to the space taken up when all students in the group bunch together with their feet touching. All students under 21 must wear identifying neon wristbands and matching iron breastplates with their Name, Residential College, and Year engraved on the front. Students who are 21 and over must show proper identification. The only form of identification accepted is a visual match with one of the players from the game Guess Who? Student groups who wish to apply for a spot at the tailgate must submit 298 letters of recommendations from 298 people who can be considered “father figures” to the head of the group. Each group must also write an aria in old Gaelic Italian iambic pentameter and sign it in the blood of the first born lamb of the winter’s solstice. The only beverages allowed in the tailgate are tang and tang-like substances. Hot beer will be served on tap, but everything fifth keg will be replaced with a vat of hot urine to keep you guessing. Only students who balanced 10 poodles on their left pinky finger will be served. Poodles not provided. No smiling. Definitely no running. Actually now that we’re on the subject no moving. Why don’t you just sit still? Right here. Ok now I’m going to strap you in. And put this duct tape over your mouth. Attendance at the game is mandatory, punishable by expulsion (Harvard students only). There will be a sobriety test at the entrance to the tailgate. This test will consist of your AP US History DBQ, a 10-mile obstacle course in the sky like the jetpack round in Pilot Wings, and a severe, relentless beating. The following are forbidden inside the tailgate: absurdity, buffoonery, celebration, cheer, clowning, distraction, diversion, enjoyment, entertainment, escapade, festivity, foolery, frolic, gaiety, gambol, grins, high jinks, horseplay, jesting, jocularity, joking, jollity, joy, laughter, merriment, merrymaking, nonsense, play, playfulness, pleasure, recreation, rejoicing, relaxation, riot, romp, romping, solace, sport, tomfoolery. As a final note of caution, the one thing that is absolutely not allowed under any circumstance while you are on the Harvard campus is fun. Luckily for them, the Harvard students are already used to that.