Summer Singles, The Yale Herald, 09/02/05

I'm posting the unedited version because the published article had to be padded.

If there’s one thing to say about pop music this summer, it’s that 2006 was the summer of the pop comeback album. Let’s check out this all-star lineup: Justin Timberlake, who’s single-handedly bringing back something that never really left, Nelly Furtado, recipient of a Jewel post-Spirit marketability makeover, Christina Aguilera, the voice, Jessica Simpson (did you hear she’s single? Oh you did? Ok. Nevermind.) and the newcomers, Paris Hilton and Fergie. And nothing, I mean nothing, matters more than the first single. The real question is: is J-Tim really bringing sexy back? Or had it already been broughten? Read on for the answer.

The smartest move Xtina ever made was getting rid of that X and all that we came to associate with it. She’s no longer attempting to be overtly-edgy or dirty (more like disgusting) and has become a classy chanteuse. “Ain’t No Other Man” proves that Christina Aguilera really has amazing pipes and is probably the most soulful and talented of the pop vixens. The song allows her to flaunt her versatility and belting power as it has real substance and clever melodies, a feat considering what usually passes for a hit song these days. Her forthcoming album is a two-disc set, one a tribute to classic jazz / R&B, and the other a traditional pop-hop venture. “Ain’t No Other Man” seems to be a perfect fusion of this new Christina with elements of both thrown in.

“Promiscuous Girl” is just baaaarely a Nelly Furtado song. Her vocal tracks could easily be replaced by the Rihanna’s and Ciara’s of the world, or more fittingly, by Missy Elliot. The genius behind this track is that it is so wholly and distinctly a Timbaland creation with the kick-ass production and deep bass beat we have come to expect of him. The summer of 2006 has really come to love this melding of pop and hip-hop and this is probably the most successful combination to appear in the mix. I have come to believe that almost everything Timbaland touches turns to Top 40 gold, and Nelly Furtado should thank her lucky stars that she has this collaboration in her pocket to help her shed her “I’m like a bird” image. Without him, she might not have been able to pull it off.

Ugh. Don’t even get me started on Stacy Ferguson of Kid’s Incorporated’s duo Stacy and Renee. Fergie my ass. First, she makes a comeback and ruins the Black-Eyed Peas (or makes them a super-group, one of the two). Second, she dubs herself “The Duchess” and makes the cash money millions off a song, “London Bridge,” that makes no sense whatsoever. Sure, maybe it’s clever that she chose the M.I.A. and “Holla Back Girl” approach to song writing. Yeah, maybe the chorus is catchy. But what the hell is she even talking about? “How come every time you come around, my London London Bridge wanna go down.” It sounds like her penis is on upside-down if you ask me.

How is Jessica Simpson so radically behind the times? Almost no one is making pop music that sounds like “A Public Affair” anymore. It’s so cutesy and inconsequential it’s hard to listen to the whole song. Maybe some pop-fluff is what appeases the pre-teenagers around the world, but Jessica will never be able to compete in the big-leagues without a hip-hop influenced single. I know she’s very successful, and some might even say talented, but she owes her success less to her talent and more to Us Weekly and MTV. Get with the times, Jess.
Justin Timberlake has come a long long way. With Justified, it became clear that J-Tim’s future success would rely on his hip-hop chops and sweet R&B voice. “Sexy Back” is the perfect summer single. The beat isn’t as groovy and sexy as on “Promiscuous Girl,” but Timbaland still manages to bring on the funk. This beat is tailor-made for Justin, keeping in mind that he’s a white boy who comes from a boy band background. It’s not so radically different as to completely change how we see Justin, but instead is the logical next step in his musical progression.

“Stars Are Blind” by Paris Hilton: Too bad they’re not deaf. The only thing worse than this song is Kevin Federline’s bastard child of a song, “Popo Zao.”

The one popstar you’ll notice absent from this list is Britney Spears Federline. Summer 2006 would have been an amazing time for her to make a killer comeback with ex-boyfriends and rivals doing the same. (By the way, Is it just me, or doesn’t it seem like Justin is deliberately referencing “Slave 4 U” with lyrics like “Dirty baby / you see these shackles / baby I’m your slave?”) Maybe J-Tim can help Brit get her sexy back, but perhaps she has wandered too deep into the land of the fugly to ever return to the top of the pops again. Judging by this summer’s list of comeback albums and singles, she’s going to have her work cut out for her.

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